5 Myths About Forgiveness in the Wake of the Charleston Shooting

 

I was listening to NPR the other day and stumbled upon an interview with writer Roxane Gay titled Why I Can't Forgive Dylan Roof (see full interview here: http://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2015/06/26/417675859/writer-roxane-gay-why-i-cant-forgive-dylann-roof). While I totally agree with one of her underlying messages, that what Dylan Roof did was a tragedy and he ought to be justly dealt with, I think she may have misunderstood and misrepresented what it means to forgive and why forgiveness matters.

I understand that it can be truly difficult to forgive someone, especially when that someone commits an atrocity like the Charleston shootings. However, I think if you can develop a correct understanding of what it means to forgive, the act of forgiveness will become so much more tangible and personally meaningful. In this post I will describe five myths about forgiveness that if understood will help you deal more justly, forgive more readily, and heal more quickly.

Myth #1: Forgiveness is about the Wrongdoer not the Wronged

While we tend to view forgiveness as some favor or merciful act bestowed upon a person who has wronged us, forgiveness, in reality, is about the forgiver, not the forgiven. In fact, forgiveness has nothing to do with the wrongdoer. Forgiveness has everything to do with you, the person who has been wronged. Think about it—who does your hate, anger, and grudge-holding really affect. When you withhold forgiveness you give the criminal/wrongdoer/perpetrator power or control over your thoughts and actions. You allow their actions to dictate how you feel and what you do. Forgiveness then, is empowering, it is a sign of strength, and it allows you to take control of your life. In contrast, withholding forgiveness consumes energies, faculties, and focus that could otherwise be directed towards more productive pursuits. Free yourself from a heavy burden and forgive!

Myth #2: Forgiveness is a Free Pass

Forgiveness is not a free pass. Forgiveness does not absolve the wrongdoer, nor is its purpose to let the perpetrator sleep easier at night. It isn't a get out of jail free card. You can forgive and still demand and see that justice is served. Take the Biblical anecdote of the woman taken in adultery for example. Yes, Jesus seemed to pardon her for the crime for which she was accused, but he also sent her away with the commission to "go and sin no more." The emphasis here is less on the crime committed and mercifully overlooked, but on the mandate that she "go" and change her life. While not punished per se, the woman was still held accountable—justice was still served—AND if you remember, Jesus was quick to point out that her accusers where far from perfect themselves, something we might keep in mind as we withhold forgiveness and cast judgements of our own.

Myth #3: Forgiveness is Forgetting

Perhaps you've heard the phrase "forgive and forget" but does this idea really hold any water? There are some things that are arguably impossible to forget and it would be irresponsible to do so. You will likely never forget being sexually assaulted nor should you forget and give the perpetrator free reign to victimize or assault again. Remembering is a form of wisdom and can provide us protection against future wrongs or guide us in our future decision making. Rather than making you cynical, it makes you cautious. Rather than forgetting, you can learn to remember differently and feel differently about situations in which you have been wronged.

Myth #4: Forgiveness is a form of White Privilege

The shooting at the Charleston AME church was undoubtedly a crime of hate, a racist act. However, I do not believe (this is admittedly coming from a privileged, White, male perspective) that asking the people of that community to forgive Roof or his family is a form of White privilege. Again, forgiveness isn't about dealing out free passes or absolving people of responsibility. It is about a personal state of mind and decision not to hate, hold grudges against, or become the very wrong that you ought to both forgive and despise. I think you are treading dangerous waters when you construe a freely chosen act of civility as a form of White privilege. Let those people heal in their own way. Let them stand against racism, and modern racism in all its forms ('whiteness', 'white privilege, etc.) without carrying and fostering the hate that promotes racist acts to begin with.

Myth #5: Forgiveness is Conditional

You know you've thought it. I have.
"When he says sorry or makes amends I will forgive...
"When she changes her ways I will forgive...
"I would never do something like that, so why should I be required to forgive such a heinous crime?"

Again, forgiveness is almost totally independent of the person to be forgiven. If someone is willing to hurt you so deeply (whether physically, emotionally, or otherwise) you can reasonably accept and expect that apologies and change will be a long time coming. You may find yourself ruminating and festering for a long time waiting for your wrongdoer to come around, change his ways, or make amends. And this time will be time wasted. Let it go. Don't forget. See it through. Demand justice. But let it go.

Conclusion

Vengeance, grudge holding, and anger are self-consuming. The inability to forgive, even the worst of trespasses will inevitably result in your own demise. Many a life has wasted away worrying more about revenge and wrongs than about moving forward and making things right. I would hate to see our culture and society embrace an anti-forgiveness mentality and head down a slippery slope of self-destruction, inner conflict, and even civil war. Let us choose to forgive.